


Strays

by Cryingravens



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: 5 Times, 5+1 Things, Angst and Humor, Animals, Attempt at Humor, Awesome Phil Coulson, BAMF Clint Barton, BAMF Nick Fury, BAMF Phil Coulson, Badass SHIELD Agents, Clint Barton Feels, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, I'm Bad At Tagging, Nick Fury Swears, No matter what Clint tries to say about it, Pets, Phil Coulson Has the Patience of a Saint, Protective Phil Coulson, SHIELD, Sleepy Phil Coulson, That Boulder from Indiana Jones, stealing is not saving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-12
Updated: 2014-04-12
Packaged: 2018-01-19 02:15:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1451731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cryingravens/pseuds/Cryingravens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil isn't a fan of Clint's compulsion to save every stray he can find. He's tired of Clint's light fingers (It's stealing, Clint, not saving). Most of all, he's tired of being the one to find a place for all these animals to live!  </p><p> </p><p>Could be titled: Five times Clint saved strays and one time Phil brought a stray home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Strays

**Author's Note:**

> My amazing and thoroughly wonderful new Beta, DesperateJoys, helped me out with this one.
> 
> Also, sorry if you are noticing formatting errors. I have been fighting with the Ao3 posting system.

 

 

If Phil’s phone ever went off in the middle of the night, he knew it was an emergency. There were few things he asked for with his strenuous job, but a decent night’s rest without interruption was one of them \- which was why, when his phone went off, he sprang into action and answered immediately.

“Coulson here. What’s the situation?”

“Phil, I’ve got a problem.”

“Barton? It’s three in the morning. Why aren’t you calling the handler on-call or the  Emergency  Service .”

“I called the on-call. They told me to call you.”

Phil sat up and rubbed his temples. “Alright. What ’s the problem?”   


“I have an African Grey Parrot in my bathroom.”

Phil’s brow furrowed for a moment and he stared incredulously at the phone.   

“Did I lose you sir?” Clint’s voice drifted up at him from the speaker.

“No. No. I know what an African Grey-” Phil took a deep breath before turning on his bed side light. “Where did you get a parrot?”

“It was stuck in the tree outside my house. I kept hearing this noise outside my bedroom window. I got my bow and went out to find see what it was. As it turns out it was a parrot and I am calling it The Captain.”    


“The Cap- Barton, how did it get in your bathroom?”

“I put it there.”

“Why did you put it  there? ”

“It bit me.”

Phil could feel the migraine starting. It was the typical “ice pick being jammed in sensitive locations” sensation he got whenever Barton was involved.  

“Why are you calling me, then? You seem to have it well under control.”

“What do I do with The Captain while I’m at work?”

“Firstly, leave it in your bathroom. Secondly - Captain, Barton?”

“No, no. THE Captain. You have to have the “THE” in it. It talks like a pirate! Pretty fantastic, if I do say so myself.”

“So let me get this straight. You found a bird outside, you brought it into your house, it bit you and now it’s locked in the bathroom?”

“Yup, sounds about right. You missed the part where it shit all over my couch, though.”    


“I don’t understand. You seem to have it all under control. Why did the on-call-”    


“Well Agent  Barillis was laughing so hard-”

“Good night, Barton. We will discuss this in my office tomorrow… actually later today. ”   


Without another word he hung up on the archer and lay back down. However, when Barton strode through headquarters with The Captain perched on his shoulder the next day, the issue became a problem. A rather large problem. The commotion  caused by agents huddling around Clint to see the bird easily drew Phil out of his office and in moments he was popping  Advils like they were Tic  Tacs. 

“BARTON!! What in the HELL is that?!  And  w hy is it in MY headquarters??” Fury bellowed striding across the upper lobby . 

The gaggle of women that surrounded him dispersed swiftly as Fury descended upon the archer. Phil could almost see the metaphorical blood in the water.  

“This is The Captain. He shredded all my toilet paper and my neighbors have started making noise complaints. I thought it would be a bit unsightly to have a covert ops agent getting a summons for a bird yelling about checking his poop deck, so I brought him with me.” 

Phil thought briefly of returning to his office and taking a bullet from his service pistol rather than deal with the  fallout from this. 

“You brought a damn BIRD to HEADQUARTERS because you thought it would be a bad idea to get a NOISE COMPLAINT?!?!” 

“Well, I also brought him for you.”

“Come again, Agent?”

“Well, He’s grey and red with a black beak so I thought he would go with your whole theme.” Clint made a vague gesture with his hand at Fury. “Plus, what kind of pirate are you  without a bird?”

Senior level agents scattered from the upper lobby. Giggles were  quashed behind folders, snickers were turned into coughs, and tongues were being bitten to the point of literal blood so that no sound was made. There in the upper lobby Barton stood oblivious to it all with that damn bird wh ich had now begun to say “ Yo Ho” over and over again. 

The metaphor of blood in the water didn’t even begin to cover what was happening. It was more like Barton had wrapped himself in steak, bacon, and chum and thrown himself in shark infested waters after first starving the sharks for a month or two. Phil began to think of what agent he could get to replace the archer. 

“Agent Hill.” Fury barked. 

“Yes sir.” Maria said appearing seemingly out of nowhere.  

“Find the owner of this bird. I want it out of here in an hour.”    


She nodded and disappeared, relief at being allowed to leave the tension in the room written on her face. Fury gestured to Clint bandaged fingers with a head tilt.

“That bird bite you Barton?”

“Yes sir. Once last night and twice this morning before we came to work.”

Fury nodded in a satisfied manner. “You’re lucky I have a sense of humor Barton. Last time we cleared a floor that quickly we had a bomb on it. Take that damn thing to Coulson’s office and it stays there until we find the owner.” 

Fury turned to Phil. “If you don’t want a pet parrot for your office I suggest you help Hill find the owner.”

Phil heaved a great sigh and nodded. “Yes, sir.”

>>\---------->

Phil hated missions in hot climates. He was constantly uncomfortable and he couldn’t really wear his suits without dying of heat stroke. He wished that R&D would come up with a breathable fabric for these types of missions. He also wished that Barton would stop disappearing on him in the jungle. 

“Damn it, Barton, if you duck off one more time I will put a damn leash on you!” Coulson barked.    


Clint snorted and hefted his rucksack a bit higher. “You’re just mad because I can see your knees. You’re  kinda like one of those women who wear those burka things. Could be really attractive under there, but instead you choose to hide it under fabric.”

“Not all of us have your lack of modesty, ” Phil shot at the archer.   


Clint had stripped his shirt off as soon as the mission had run them into the jungle. His cargo pants had been exchanged for shorts and he had a bandanna wrapped around his head. Honestly, Phil didn’t entirely mind the sight. All that skin tanned perfectly and on display for Phil to see? Couldn’t really complain too much there. 

“Modesty? I’m shirtless! It’s not like I’ve got tits to cover or my dick’s swinging freely in the breeze. Christ on a cracker, Phil, you’ve still got your button up on! There isn’t going to be a spot check to see if you’re still dressed in formal wear.”

It was when Phil turned to glare at Clint that he saw the rucksack move. At first he thought the heat was getting to him, but then he saw it again. Like a mole pushing up dirt as it dug; something was moving in Barton’s bag.

“Barton. Carefully, set your pack down, ”  Phil said stopping and turning to face the agent. 

“You  gonna borrow a tank top? You’ll look extra white trashy in that.”

“There is something moving in your pack.” 

Clint blanched slightly and gave a nervous laugh. “Nah, you’re seeing things Phil.”

“Look at your pack yourself! There is something- LOOK! Right there!” Phil pointed to the thing that was moving. 

Clint looked at the moving bulge and gave a sigh. “I know.” 

There it was, the vein Phil could feel in his forehead when Barton did something stupid. The vein was pulsing like a metal detector for stupid decisions.     


“What did you put in your bag?” Phil hissed through gritted teeth.     


With a deep sigh Clint set the pack down and opened the top. Immediately a ball of fur flew at Barton’s head at an alarming rate of speed. Phil drew his gun to kill the thing, but Clint’s hand flew up. 

“STOP! He’s just scared. It’s okay.” Clint cooed at the ball of fur in his arms.  

It was then that Phil saw what Clint held. It was a monkey. A tiny, adorable, wild monkey. 

‘HOW in the HELL did you get a monkey?!?! ” Phil bellowed.

Clint winced and the monkey climbed under his shirt hem. “Well, I  kinda found a village.”

“What do you mean you KINDA found a village?”

“It was super primitive, like my most basic bow would be the engineering feat of the century for them.”

“Get on with it.”

“Well, they had this little guy in a cage. In a cage next to a pot of boiling water. There were other dead monkeys in the water. You see where I am going with this?”

“So you STOLE a monkey from a primitive village to prevent it from being eaten?”    


“I wouldn’t say steal. Stealing is wrong. SAVING it from the misguided villagers bent on eating it, that sir, sounds  waaaay better.”

“So when we are being chased like Indiana Jones by villagers and a FUCKING BOULDER it’s actually all your fault?”

Clint took a step back and made a soothing gesture. “Whoa, there. I think the heat is getting to you sir. You’re starting to get a bit hostile. Maybe we should just take a step back from the situation and look at it from a different angle. Maybe you need a snickers bar or something.”

“WHAT different angle, Clint? You stole a monkey!”  

“I saved it.”

“I am not quibbling over semantics with you. We need to get out of this hell hole and you managed to potentially turn the only people found for miles into enemies by taking their meal. Fantastic! I’ll make sure they put your humanitarian award on your grave IF they ever find our BODIES, ” Phil snarled. 

The handler turned before Clint could argue his point and proceeded to stalk through the jungle. His machete was swinging a bit more forcefully than before and Clint made the wise choice to stay back a ways. 

“You’re being dramatic. We ’re  close to the extraction point according to our beacon , and it’s not like they knew I was there. I slipped him out and we left before anyone noticed.”

“And what do you plan to do with the damn thing, Clint? Are you going to stay in the jungle and play Jane  Goodall? It would certainly save me mountains of paperwork each month.”

“No, I couldn’t do that to you. What would you do if I didn’t liven up your life?”

“Not die of a stress induced heart attack?” Phil offered. 

Clint gave an eye roll so pronounced Phil could HEAR it. “And the Oscar goes to-”    


“You still haven’t said what you are  planning to do  with the damn thing.”

“Well, it’s a baby. I figured I could give it to the wild life sanctuary that was by the village we’re staying at. Staying behind to swing around in a loin cloth, as appealing sounding as it sounds, would be a waste of my talents.”   


“What talents are we speaking of?”    


Clint frowned. “Why, my talent of keeping you perpetually on your toes, of course.”

“Is that what this is? I thought it was cruel and unusual punishment.”

“Aw, boss you really know how to make a girl blush.” 

“You give that thing to the sanctuary as soon as we get there. I will be checking your pack so it doesn’t make the return trip to New York. Our beacon is just beyond these trees.”

“Sir, yes sir.”

<\----------<<

It had been raining all week. The rain couldn’t even be described as on and off rain. It was a miserable cold rain that had started Monday and continued until Friday. Phil was worried that Fury would soon send paperwork down the chain to get an ark made it was so bad.    


Accompanying the miserable weather were miserable people. The usually friendly secretaries at SHIELD wore their service pistols and a scowl.  The mail clerk was all but throwing mail at fellow staff members. Even the deli guy in the cafeteria who always hand made everything had resorted to pre-made potato salad by the end of the week; slopping it on paper plates like a disgruntled lunch lady. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING could make this week worse, Phil had thought as he ate the less than satisfactory potato salad. 

Of course, Phil hadn’t counted on Clint Barton showing up in his office, drenched from head to toe, with a soggy card board box. 

“You’re dripping on the carpet, Barton.”

“I need your spare towel.” Clint said dropping the box on Phil’s couch.     


“Really? I hadn’t noticed.” Phil  snarked as he got out the towel and tossed it to the agent. 

He was rather shocked to see that instead of using it to dry himself, Clint opened the box and took out a wet and bedraggled kitten. Then another two before the archer nudged the box aside and sat on the couch drying the mewling creatures. 

“Those are kittens.”

“Yup. Found them by a dumpster. Some asshole apparently didn’t want them or care enough to take them to a shelter. One didn’t make it in all this rain.” Clint said sadly as he soothed the head of one of the kittens. 

“Luckily they look old enough to be away from their mother.”

“Yeah and they had to have come from a house. They didn’t hiss or anything when I picked them out of the original box. Look at them, they’re purring.”

Phil stood and walked around the desk to look at the balls of fur in Clint’s arms. “I think Hodges mentioned wanting to get a kitten for his daughter.” 

Clint looked up with a grin. “Really?”

Phil nodded and reached out to stroke a tiny black head. “And Sarah in accounting has been talking about getting a pet.”

“That only leaves one to get a home for.”

“Actually, my niece is having a birthday this weekend. She has been pestering her mother for a kitten, but Maggie has been stalling. Perhaps favorite Uncle Phil can give her the best present ever.”

Clint gave a laugh and smiled happily down at the kittens. “That’s awesome boss.”

“It’s better than watching you try to take care of them. You can barely take care of yourself.” Phil said with a  suspiciously fond smile. “I’ll send emails to Hodges and Sarah.”

“Thanks. I’ll try to get them warmed and then sneak down to the dining hall for some milk and some tuna.”    


Phil hummed in agreement and returned his attention to the email he was composing. He knew Maggie would be angry about the kitten, but he couldn’t really bring himself to care all that much. That weekend at the party Phil truly was the best uncle ever, even if he wasn’t the best brother. 

   


>>\---------->

Phil could always count on Clint to find transport. Sometimes it was a car and other times it was a helicopter. Whatever he found , it usually did a good enough job for Phil. When he sent Clint off in a rural Indian town, he expected a motorcycle. What Phil didn’t expect was for Clint to arrive aboard an elephant. 

“An elephant?”    


“Yup. Her name is Nora and she’s my new friend. Can I keep her to ride into battle on?”

“A sniper riding an elephant isn’t very inconspicuous. How do I..”

Phil trailed off, staring at Clint and trying to figure out how to board the beast.     


Clint slid off the elephant’s back and landed gracefully beside Coulson. 

“Here. You tap on her leg and then step up on her foot. Then pull yourself up like you’re riding a horse.”

Phil did as he was instructed, only needing a slight boost from Clint to get himself arranged on it s back. 

“Awesome ! ” Clint said flashing a thumbs up before stroking down the elephant’s trunk. 

“Where did you find an elephant?”

“This guy was beating on her in town. So I stepped up and kindly paid for her.” Clint’s hand trailed over a deep scar that ran across the elephant’s leg. 

“You stole her didn’t you?”

“I don’t steal everything, sir.”

“Did you SAVE this elephant, agent?”

Clint gave a sly smirk. “Perhaps, but I did leave a bunch of cash there.”

“I see. May I ask, agent, how do know how to do this?”

“What? Save things? You just need a light hand and-” 

“No. How do you know how to do anything with elephants?”

“Circus. We had three elephants and I cleaned their cages when I didn’t listen. Needless to say we became fast friends.”

“Shock and surprise that you didn’t listen when you were a kid.” Phil dead panned. 

Clint laughed and tapped the elephant. With a soft word to her, the beast lifted Clint up with her trunk and the archer crawled gingerly across her wide forehead to sit in front of Phil.    


“Why didn’t you just have her do that to me?”

“Two reasons. First, I am a show - off and I love to do show-offy things. Second, I couldn’t remember if that signal was to pick something up or to swing her trunk around. It could have gone right or it could have gone really, really wrong.”

Phil shook his head. “What if they didn’t teach her the same signals that you know?”

Clint’s head cocked to the side. “You know, I didn’t really think about it. I just figured that all people in India train their elephants the same way.”

“The elephant trainer in your circus was Indian?”    


“Yep. He made the best spaghetti I have ever tasted.” 

“You clearly haven’t had my grandmother’s homemade sauce.” 

Clint gave a laugh and gave the elephant a cue to walk. “I’d love to give my expert opinion on your Grandma’s sauce. Call it a date.”

“I’ll pencil you in for meeting my grandmother right now. How does never sound?”

“Oh, ouch, sir. You don’t even want your Nana to meet me? Nanas love my charm.”

“I’m curious, what do you plan on doing with your purchase? It’s not allowed to be your battle steed-”

“Which is a damn shame, I want to add. I was  kinda thinking about donating her to that rescue we passed. I doubt Fury will let me take her home and put her in a place where she will be treated amazingly.”

“I am not filling out paperwork for you to request an elephant.” Phil said before Clint could start with his puppy eyes.

“You, sir, are no fun. Just for that I’m  gonna tell you a weird fact about elephants.”

“I am quaking in my loafers. What might your weird fact be?”

“Elephants have prehensile dicks.”    


If Phil hadn’t have been holding onto Clint he would have had the decency to bury his face in his palms.

“You know what that means, sir?”

“I do. No need to explain further. Maybe we could travel in silence to the rendezvous point.”

<\----------<<

“Sir, I question your rationale behind this mission.”    


Phil rolled his eyes and scanned the tent with his flashlight and gun. “You question everything Barton. What’s wrong with my rationale?”

Clint nudged over a box and frowned at the tethers he found inside. “I think you are assuming things about us circus folk.”

“Come again?”

“You put me on this mission because you thought the circus was crooked and that I, being raised in a circus, would know immediately what to do.”

“Was I wrong?” Phil said lifting a tarp with the flashlight and looking underneath.

“Not all circus folk are crooked. Not all circuses are corrupt.”

“I know that Clint. It just so happens that you were a member of a crooked circus and this happens to also be a crooked  circu \- What’s that?” Phil questioned spinning around and looking for the source of the noise.   


“Sounds like the wind to me Phil.”

“No. I heard something.” 

It was then that Clint heard the noise too and spun to see one of the circus’ tigers free from her cage.     


“Phil....do me a favor?” Clint asked as he holstered his side arm.    


“What?”

“Don’t shoot.”

It was then that Coulson was knocked aside by the great beast that lunged at the archer. The tiger raised itself up onto it s back paws briefly before settling them on either side of Clint’s neck and knocking him to the ground. Coulson pulled his side arm and took aim at the beast only to notice that it was making a thrumming noise. 

“Maliah! I’ve missed you too girl!”

The tiger was eagerly rubbing it’s head on Clint’s chest like a contented house cat. The archer was grinning widely and rubbing his hands on her face. Phil’s weapon faltered and his jaw hung loose. 

“You have got to be kidding me , ” Phil breathed. 

“They must have let her free to flush us out.” Clint chuckled and pulled himself into a kneeling position. He wrapped an arm around the tiger s neck and scratched behind her ears. “They are going to shit when she turns on them.”

“You KNOW that tiger?!” Phil hissed.  

“This here is  Maliah. Carson’s tiger had cubs and she was one of them. I hand fed her and helped raise her before Carson sold her to make some more money.”

“You intend to turn her against her current owners?” 

“Hell yeah! She’s a well-trained baby aren’t you?” Clint burrowed his nose into the tiger’s fur and cooed. 

Clint reached up and unhooked  a thick collar from her neck. “ Wanna play hide and seek?”

The mission was a success. SHIELD operatives came in to clean up and all gave Clint a wide berth. He did have a tiger curled up next to him like a house cat eating from his hand, though. Phil stepped forward and shook his head. 

“Always full of surprises aren’t you, Barton?”

“Keeps you on your toes, sir.”

“What are we going to do with her?”

Clint stared at her for a moment while scratching her ear. “Probably give her to this sanctuary I know. They take in old circus animals and give them a good home.”    


“That’s where Fury shipped Nora wasn’t it?”

Clint nodded and pet down the tiger’s side. “The owner is a buddy of mine. He’ll let me go visit them when I get time off.”

Phil set a hand to the  comm in his ear. “The agents are ready to load her up. They were wondering if you could walk her into the crate.”

“Yeah , I can.” 

“Barton...do you think she’d let me pet her?”

Clint motioned for the Phil to come closer and patted the ground for him to sit. Gently Clint took Phil’s hand in his and ran it down the tiger’s side. The handler gave a grin and Clint let go of his hand. “She’ll let you pet her sir.” 

<\----------<<

Phil looked over the file with distaste. The man in the next room was not Phil’s usual assignment. He had been homeless for over a year. A tattered hoodie hid the shadows and planes of the man’s face. The beard on his face was grubby and it hid how sunken in his cheeks were.

In comparison to Phil’s immaculate appearance, he was disgusting. The man lifted his arm to wipe at his nose with a sniffle and Phil’s face twitched in revulsion. He gave a deep sigh, rubbing a hand over his face before standing straight and opening the door. 

Clear blue eyes leisurely rolled up to Phil’s, disinterest set in the gaze.    


“I am Agent Phil Coulson of SHIELD and I am here to go over your case.”

The man shrugged and shifted back in his chair, the heel of his worn boot bouncing slightly against  the floor. 

“According to police in twelve states, you are a serial killer. You’ve racked up twenty six kills, yet no state wants to prosecute you. Each of the men killed was involved in a human trafficking ring. One hundred and sixty-three children were recovered and returned to their homes. Nineteen drug lords have been captured each with nonlethal wounds and willing to confess to crimes that no one knew were committed. All of these are attributed to you.”

Phil looked up at the man and tilted his head. “That is a very impressive record, Mr. Barton.”

“I try.” The man croaked as he picked at his ragged nails and fingers. 

“Are you the vigilante known as Hawkeye?”

The grungy man shrugged again and kept his eyes carefully trained on the floor.     


“Your record in foster care was also provided to us.”

A cold, distant expression settled onto Barton’s face. 

“You’ve had nine broken bones. Countless contusions. More allegations of abuse and neglect than I have ever seen. There were three open cases regarding sexual abuse that were never closed because you ran away before the prosecutors could go after your abusers. You have lived through hell, yet still seem to want to make the world a better place.”

Barton’s leg bounced uneasily and was the only real sign that he was  affected by anything Phil had said. 

“Being a vigilante is illegal. Are you aware of that , Mr. Barton? If these allegations are true , you are a wanted man.”

“So? You  gonna lock me up and throw away the key? You pissed that I did your  fuckin’ job for  ya ?” The blue eyes were suddenly defiant and locked on Phil. “Justice don’t mean shit to  ya if you’r e not the one to dish it out?”    


Phil sat back in the chair. “Actually we were wondering if you would be willing to keep it up.”

The grimy brow furrowed. “Come again?”

“My employers were wondering if you would be willing to keep doing what you’re doing in a more professional sense of the term.”

“You want me to be a cop or something?”

Phil smiled. “Or something.”    


Clint’s eyes narrowed. “You think I’m  gonna fall for that bullshit?”

“We are offering you a job. You would be working as an Agent of  the  Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement, and Logistics Division. You would help us keep the world safe and get paid to do it. No more sleeping where you can. You’d get a bunk, clothes and three meals a day as well as getting paid. I have a contract here with me and you can call in any lawyer to go over it with you.”

Phil slid the contract to Barton and the man set a filthy hand on it. “What does an organization like yours want with a guy like me?”

“We like your principles and your skill is unmatched.”

“I’m an uneducated hick that grew up a carnie.”

“I’m from an average middle class family and was spectacularly average in all of my schooling. We don’t care who you were, we care what you can become.” 

The man’s eyes trailed over the contract for a moment before they rose to meet Phil’s.     


“I’ll need a bow and arrow.”


End file.
